It is nowhere near the extent of what you went through but I do think it is a show of disrespect on their part and to be blunt, it is selfish. if hes in a different town from his own family after making sacrifices for you earlier in the marriage. It helps to know I am not the only one who has gone through and goes though this nonsense still. He told me that after three days he would join me and my husband together. Those are the kids family members. I am long since remarried with kids with current spouse, but they and I have missed out on so much over the years because of what happened. My family even took family pictures with my kids and my ex and I wasnt in them. Work together to find some ground, or maybe just getting out in the air alone will make you feel better. Him bringing the Kids to their family your Sister and that is good for your children. The one normal thing they had left the one thing that give them hope and you are so selfish that you want to take that from them as well you are the worst form of a woman and mother. The ex and his mother got along and became somewhat close; however, his mom and ex didn't speak for a few months after the relationship ended. Remind them that even though he is the childrens dad, that is all he is. I felt so betrayed, because I would never let anyone come between me and family. What if that friendly Ex, having been accused of this type of abuse starts showing interests in the familys children? That means holidays & special events are divided. My brother and his two children have been abandoned because my brother supported me. I was in a marriage for 13 1/2 years. So if on his time he schedules an event ( bowling) and invites her family and they go they are allowed but I suspect once the OP hears about from her kids it will still hurt. I cant say anything because its about their Dad, and I cant talk about him in reference to anything he did to me or then back then. He said its normal because of his son thats why he need to communicate.. Id love to leave a comment but afraid someone I know might find it. It broke my heart when my sister defriended me on social media and made friends with my ex. It also makes it hard when you try to move on a introduce a new partner What sort of man deliberately engineers this kind of situation? I think you should talk to your parents and sister and explain that you are uncomfortable with him being there on Holidays and Birthdays. I dont envy that. We also offer aProfessional Directoryfeaturing family lawyers, divorce financial analysts, accountants, therapists, and other divorce-related services. Am I just insecure? Your comments are toxic. Fill in this form and you'll get instant access: Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and bestseller author. For me, this is beyond weird. Even after marriage he refused to have a joint account and denied me access to money. We were good friends, he backed off from my sister because he seen me alot, he still had feelings for me I did not. last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. I know this is an old blog post but this is exactly how Im feeling and exactly what I am going through. Remarried now for 4 years. There is a reason youre being excluded, find out what that is. My family has fed him. They have been broken up for over a year, and he says they no longer communicate. As a result, staying friends with your ex's friends and family as opposed to defriending them is like pouring salt into an open wound. No your not being unreasonable to expect loyalty from your family, getting it is anither thing. She had been like a daughter to me. The Divorce Play List: Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome, 3 Things to Do if Your Parenting Plan is Not Being Followed, Why Some Women are Against Child Support & Support Enforcement. Praying for each of our healing journeys. That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it. You are not alone! Instead of passively participating in it. He treated him really bad, even charged him $200 a month to live with him, even though he worked pushing carts and didnt make that sometimes in a month. I value these connections, as without them.. My kids would have no connection with their mothers side of the family.. or least parts of it. Sounds more like revenge under the guise of what is in the best interest of the children. Its just unfortunate and heartbreaking when your own family doesnt respect those boundaries. But, now she is telling him that the child is not to have ANY contact with me or my family. You were their child your ex husband is NOT her child or responsibility! They have children together . I never even had one phone call or message from any of my family, even after asking if any of them could have the boys for any time! but will drive 2 hours to spend holidays or special events with MY family. I was having some misunderstanding with my husband and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extend my husband do not come home anymore and he was seeking for a divorce. Just deal with it. I couldnt agree with you more! It looks like your kids got a good deal, be happybe grateful. My ex cheated twice. To be honest your boyfriend probably doesn't even realize what he's doing because it's the exact same thing (i.e. You are not wrong for wanting this relationship to stop. And still to this day. I am glad I found this web site and found I am not the only one with a very unusual family( blood is NOT thicker than water) I am now working on my NEW NORMAL. What adult children need to understand through their breakup is to beat the consequences of their decisions to marry and human weaknesses( whatever caused the breakup) He doesnt like it either, but Its very likely that if he doesnt muster up enough courage to say something, that this will affect our relationship moving forward. So if it means avoid family so be it, if it means create more space to avoid negativity then so be it as well. Why should someone have to sever ties with their in-laws after divorce? Our lives went on.. Family should be the first priority. We began seeing each other after he broke up with his ex-girlfriend only three months earlier. When you get married you marry the family, so when you get divorced you divorce the family. Your feelings are legitimate and your dedication to putting on a brave face for your children is commendable. I do NOT understand why family does not support family and you and your feelings should be the priority, not your ex. The Ex is being more of a son to us than my own child is acting like a daughter. Tell your boyfriend that you're tired of being made to feel awkward when you are trying to spend time with him and support him, and that he has to force his mother's hand by not showing up to family events where the ex is present. My mom confessed a week ago that her and my sister lied to me about why there were no get togethers for the holidays like we usually do. (still friends). Also, thanks for helping me see that Im not alone either. Also depending on divorce, which didnt sound all that pleasant to say the least. He is entitled to a girlfriend. My ex was the one that filed for divorce! Sorry to be rude but thats a ridiculous reply. Ranked as the#1 Divorce Blogon the Internet since 2016! After all, its when a man introduces his new girlfriend to his closest ones that he officially replaces his ex. And thats, of course, a very painful realization. The irony of things ha! A good mother doesnt always agree with their child but they definitely put them before a man you didnt give birth to or raise. Take care x, angela rutherking (@angelarutherki1) says, EFFECTIVE AND POWERFUL LOVE SPELL CASTER AND LOTTERY SPELL, I honestly dont know what I would have done without Lord SAN. Ignore the past and accept him as he is, a part of the family. She ruined my daughters life and my relationship with pretty much everyone in my family at this point. I am somehow the bad person Im remarried and that does not sit well with my current husband either. She sucked quite a bit of money out of me over the years and completely destroyed my credit. I felt there was manipulation as the motive, but I could not tell my boyfriend what to do. When you were married to him did he ignore your needs and were you afraid to speak up? christmas, divorce, his ex, insecure. Try and keep your relationships with your ex and your family separate when you hang out with them at some point, at least until you are ready to be around him again. They all include him in holidays, excluded me and still continue to invite him, sometimes now me as well, but I do not join as the pain is so deep. I understand love and loyalty doesnt really exist within family. What a niave view of a relationship. (She goes to bars and leaves her 2 young children alone at night age 4 and 8). There is a lot of narcissism and enabling in my family over multiple generations. I would not be around my family either if they did that. The best thing for your children is to see 2 loving parents despite circumstances. Not only are you a selfish and a god awful person but you are definitely the reason the marriage ended. Thats okay. Dont lose your children too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex. One of my very best friends is an ex, who is now also really close with my current partner. My husband is removed and polite to his ex-family, but my husbands ex is way too close for comfort. I feel betrayed by my siblings. My ex was invited to my nieces wedding ten years later & I was not. "text": "Even though it hurts me badly to hear of all the things my ex, my kids, and my family do together all the time, I never say anything about it to my kids. Her Ex was fine with it and he was baptized there. We provide advice about divorce law, divorce lawyers, family law, custody, support and other divorce related issues along with a directory of divorce professionals. I was shocked but not surprised when my family sided with him. Im told that my sister is friends with her ex and have them over for family functions and I should suck it up. Get the stick out of your behind and be a better person and go hang out with your family and stop playing victim. OMG! God would heal you and give you a thick skin to withstand the embarrassing situation. It sounds like to me that she needs to have a hart to hart with her family and express her thoughts and feelings on this and work on a compromise with with her ex and her family. But they all different!! Im light and polite when I see their exes but nothing beyond that. Telling my(M38) ex-wife(F38) that my partner(F27) is My (30F) sister (27F) didnt tell me her girlfriend (33F) How to deal with women flirting and trying to get close Update: I (23f) introduced my brother in law (39m) to the [F30] [M33] husband thinks Im selfish for making him My (27m) gf (28f) cheated and then hid it from me because 40F, 40M. Thanks FAMILY. I therefore knew that as much as I loved my dad; I wouldnt be attending his memorial. To be honest it sounds sort of weird that he is that close to them and sounds like hes got some issues. The hurt stays and never goes away. He fought me on support as well. Sorry your family has better perception than you. Sad part is many people just walk away leaving pure destruction. I shouldnt have to give them reasons. My ex family in my opinion seemingly allow my sibling to be friends on Face Book as maybe a statement of solidarity with them against me. Nobody will care about you or attend your funeral. She still claims innocence. You need to sit down with your sisters and mom and spell it out for them. I know its really hard. Its like she cant move on. I have to say that my ex was physically abusive during the time we were together outside of prison (2 years in all), but I could not tell anyone because of his trial and sentence so he would one day be able to be paroled. The couple of times i actually stood up for myself my siblings turned against me and my sister unfriended me and made friends with my ex on social media. Now I know am not the only one, I got comforted though the situation is still the same. I went to therapy to try to sort thru it, but the therapist said my feelings of betrayal by my brother are normal and healthy, considering all of the things my ex did to me (and of which my brother is aware). There is no way any of us would have turned my back on her just because they were divorced. And one question, did you have a good relationship with your family before you divorced? I did stupid decisions to get his attention and I think he wanted out so he pushed. I got custodial custody of our 2 children and he had every other weekend and now they are both over 18 and they are pulling this ridiculous behavior of thinking he is such a wonderful guy. First, we went here, and then we did this . I was married for 34 years and my family watched how I was treated and had hash words to say about my ex when I told them I was leaving the marriage. If her sister would rather have the ex come to Thanksgiving, knowing that this woman her her five (LDS?) Communicate that.Your needs matter too. The 800 pound gorilla in the room that no one seems to be addressing is- maybe her family has reasons for liking the ex more than her. Wow, that is a really messed up situation that you are dealing with. From the beginning of the relationship, his ex-wife has come to all family affairs.. I think every situation is different. She stopped talking to me completely when she moved him in with her because she knew Id feel betrayed and be upset! My sister and Brother have remained super close to my ex, telling him every little thing that i do or my kids do (usually that they dont agree with!). I was so confused and looking for help, I dont know what to do until I met my friend Cassie, and I told her my problem. Its just not normal. Ann, I agree with every word you have written. She feels just as hurt as I do. They do this even though they know it pains me. The fact that your kids still get to spend time with both parents, sometimes on a holiday together, is good for them. You may not value me but I value me! They have 3 kids together ages 21, 13, and 11. Ever since they dated when she was a teen, I had a close relationship with him. I was confused. Im a little suspicious that he has been running some sort of campaign and exploiting their good will towards him. This man is a genius. Stop blaming others for your choices. I asked him and my family from the beginning to please give it a bit of distance but my parents chose him over me at that point. When i arrived, having had to walk, upset there was my husband sat cool as a cucumber drinking coffee with my Dad. Anyway, I feel very good about nicely turning him down. { I was starting to think I was the only one going through this maddening circumstance. No one understands until it happens to you. Of course when I tried to explain this and how this fit with their current actions it only served as further proof that it is me who is the wicked, deluded one! Yet she has my Ex over to fix her house and he has playdates with my nephews. Hosting Thanksgiving this year? Please validate my feelings. But I have resigned myself to the fact I will never win a golf game with Tiger Woods and I will never win a manipulation game with my ex. Put the onus on them to keep asking you questions. I hope I can see him soon. Simply immense hurt at feeling betrayed by people we loved. If she needs any more evidence that shes blind and selfish, shes not paying attention. Or perhaps envy is involved. You are the one who is the cause to all of your pain and suffering. Try to learn how to accept. So Im right there with the OP and all of you who have similar stories. Anyone have any suggestions to help me with this? The best way I can describe it is that shes like a 3rd wheel in our new married life. I got back in touch with my Dad last year and after months of phone calls he wouldnt even meet up with me 5 minutes from his house with me making a 90 mile journey! This is a bad sign for your romantic relationship because the seeds for romance are being sown in these late-night calls with someone your ex has been in love with before. And you can see that people who lose a loved one, usually leave their belongings in the house, so it feels like that person is still there. Exactly the same thing happened to me about 15years ago, my ex could not let go after our separation and divorce, her manipulative behaviours destroyed my family relationships and I am now cut off from from 2 of my siblings. Now my grief kids see the that side of the family but i am excluded, the kids also exclude me from any meetings with their cousins, my nieces and nephewswho had nothing to do with the divorce but i was close to. Then it should be time for them to reflect on who family really is and support you. It is so hurtful. My son keeps a very casual relationship with him but has no respect for him now that he is older and sees him for what he is. Its hard to believe an ExEx convict with a stack of criminal records can take everything away for the sake of power and control. "name": "Does it hurt to see your family keep meeting your ex? I think Ill share this post with my siblings and mother so they get an idea of the hurt and damage being done. I dont really know his family and its not hard for me to keep it that way.its fine to be good to an ex when they are the parent of a family members children.Some though do have a tendency toward the toxic side (ignoring their own blood sibling,etc in favor of the former spouse and even their new partners).its long standing situation in my husbands family.Long standing enough it wont change.its just the way it is. Practically, I could see it made sense . I remember when my older sisters stopped seeing boyfriends that Id got to know really well and not being able to believe Id have to say goodbye to them forever. Im sorry for what ypu are going through, I also went through a divorce but I took the approach that I wouldnt expect my family nor my kids to take sides. but, SHE can introduce her new boyfriend to my ex a year before ever introducing him to me! LRBTexas, I keep telling myself that someday they will see the true side of him. Ouch!! Awww bless you. He is enjoying creating these problems for you. But now my ex who theyre best friends with and who hates me. He abused me emotionally and physically. I have also found out he has told the family that I got more in the settlement than I. I figured they felt hurt for me. When he's busy with his family, focus on your own passions, hobbies and life. His ex is still in your lives by hanging out with his family and shes being talked about in front of you. It only makes for an uncomfortable situation and possible heat/arguments/embarrassment that couldve been avoided in the first place. It is hard but you can do it you have to take care of yourself and your kids you will be ok I promise. Do I really have to explain that to you???!!! I just want to move far away and then I have a reason I dont have to explain to kids who dont get to grow with my family. I couldnt believe these posts as I have gone through the same thing. All the stuff I have done for my son and how badly he treated my son doesnt mean anything to them. Im going to start doing that. Its her turn to try.Right family? Destroy what could have been a possible growth and learning experience. Not at all. This weekend I have been down to the area and my Dad wouldnt even meet up with me said he had to help my brother wallpaper! supporting them all) he's been doing on autopilot for the last 30 . It is jot easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and peace. My maternal grandmother sent me a lengthy letter telling me how terrible I was for expecting my family to cut ties with her. My mom knew that my ex was cheating on me and spending my retirement savings on another woman and drugs. You seem to have so much hatred in your heart that you would go to the highest of the extremities: Cutting people off just because they like him. "It was just this one time, it won't happen again". Agree to disagree with the family member, but causing conflict in the family over this issue, to me is immature especially with all the serious issues we are all faced with every day. It makes it harder for me to bond with my new family if the ex is constantly a presence. I wasnt expecting it after 8 years divorced, my husband and I married for 2, and together for 6 1/2 years. Having a positive line of communication with her will also be healthy for your children. I am responding to Theresa Channer, "If your ex doesnt want you to be friends with his or her family, you should respect that and back off," Masini says. She even helped him buy drugs with my money. I didnt speak to my dad or sister for 2 years after the divorce after hearing from my daughter how they were all going out for meals and drinks together. You are a cup with a leak, a black hole, and anything good given to you is lost forever. It is the worse feeling. This is human and often part of someones grieving process. Or he dated her for a long time and wants to keep them as memories. They wont hurt me ever again like this, theyve made there choice and now must live with it. Im sure for free. But professionals and legal law disagrees. Is he over his ex yet? But my kids do not know all of this and they seem to listen to he and his family more than me. Deal with it. Even though I was physically scared of him and he had attacked an ex before my brother basically said we had to leave our problems at the door and did I really think my ex was going to do anything to me?! My family stuck by me, all ties cut! She moved in with him; they got a dog together, and she helped him raise his son for the 6+ years that they lived together (the boy's mother is still in . We were very close. This is exactly what my X has done to me and I have had to literally cut ties with my 6 brothers, their wives and my over 20 nephews and nieces. That Man maybe perfect in your eyes, but you were not married to them. Something went wrong, please try again later. I live in a different state and my ex boyfriends since high school and occasionally talks to my ex husband which I do not mind we are still on friendly terms. I hope everyday for the strength to make myself not care and finally be happy for myself and my kids. Their only excuse, its not about me or my kids and I need help if I cannot see that. Her family should have been their for her & her kids. My ex was diagnosed with interpersonal relationship issues and I think that plays a part in the family continuing to invite me. "@type": "Answer", I know im currently going threw this but i put a side the negative feelings for my ex because thats what mature adults do. I divorced in 1990. At some point though I have to decide, that if I can forgive them in my heart, I can keep it to myself. Divorce is the unity of a marriage ripped apart. There is a difference. Whether or not you can stay friends with an ex's family depends on the relationship, as well as their relationship with their family, so I talked to an expert to get the details for you. The past is the past. Waiting for Karma to show up. My sister and my children(not his children) kept close with my ex who cheated on me 7 times and admitted doing it. 5. You can continue to be alone and miss out or you can get busy being apart of your familys lives outside of holidays, etc. Personally I think there is a balance. I imagine you must feel like they are not fully supportive of your wishes and feelings, and I empathise fully with you x, I have been in an extremely abusive, and toxic marriage for 2 years now. I understand your pain but you are a grown man and its not your exes fault you have no solid family of your own. The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I havent been able to say anything because I dont want to make things uncomfortable in the family. None of them and the other 6 adult family members, I cant yet blame, will have anything to do with my wife and I once the disdain is out there. I havent went to my daughters bday parties that my ex and my mom throw together because my ex hates me. Before I left, I noticed he started taking money out of our accounts, he was always about money. That is until he kept trying to convince me to have kids with him. They are grown now and we have, for the most part put that behind us. Your ex son in law presumably has his own family and friends to support him? Learn to adapt and genuinely play nice together. My children are grown have been divorced for years, my daughters continue their relationship with their father which I have no problem with but they are stepping over the line now. Just my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family out in the air alone will make you feel better broke up with family! 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